intent vs impact

This morning, as I got dressed so I could take Luca to pre-school and go to the office, my kind husband cleared the table, rinsed the dishes and loaded the dishwasher. He fed Andre his breakfast and dressed Luca.

I came downstairs and the first words out of my mouth were "did you brush his teeth and put sunscreen on?" He had not. The only reason I asked was so I could do it if he had not. However, no matter what my intent was, I think the impact was different. He probably felt like he was getting dinged for not doing those two things because his reply was "I was washing the dishes and feeding Andre."

With no time left for conversation, I gave him a kiss, told him I loved him and rushed out.

Being in a hurry is no excuse. It's the little, unintended, daily actions that can build a relationship stronger or slowly deteriorate it.

Do you ever find yourself re-thinking your approach to an interaction with your partner?

a world run by women

Our small firm has been planning to deliver consulting services to global clients for quite some time. Specifically, we first brought this up at our 2001 strategic retreat.

This year, we are finally working with our first global client and, while I am very happy about this acoomplishment since it took several years to take this first step, I am enjoying another aspect of the partnership much more.

The organization is packed with capable, powerful, incredibly personable women and I have the privilege of partnering with them. From the intial call, to the negotiation meeting, to the contracting correspondence, and now to delivery coordination, I have worked with women only. For me, the experience is absolutely satisfying. They expect the best and are not shy to ask for what they feel is best, but they do so with a sensible and human approach that makes my work with them be an absolute pleasure.

I sure wish we women ran the world. I think it would be a much more pleasant experience for us all.

a small price to pay for a girls night out

A firm believer in the benefits of taking time for myself and enjoying the company of wonderful women, I make room for a weekly outing with girlfriends.

Mother's guilt aside, there is a small price to pay for leaving the boys with their dad:

Burglars will enter the kid's room and practically empty all drawers. They may even leave a dirty diaper on the floor (see foot of the bed) or take off the mobile from the crib and put it on Luca's bed. Wait! Where is Luca? Did they take him?

They may also, just for the heck of it, leave the wipes box open and most diapers on the tray will magically disapear!

Fortunately, you will find that Luca was not taken after all. He's just sleeping in your bed with a bucket full of toys which will poke you in the back at different times during the night. And Andre... well, he's sleeping quietly after having enjoyed a long snuggle with dad.

And all the stuff on the floor (your should see the family room) is just a gentle reminder that a girls night out has a small price to pay - a little clean up afterwards.

when mom is sick

I was reading Jule's very real post today about her family's bout of stomach flu and recalling my own family's bad experience with it just a couple of months ago when it occurred to me that preparing a husband for when mom gets sick might be a good idea.

Like an earthquake kit of sorts, sharing this list with dad as sickness settles in might make the bout a little more bearable:

What I Do Not Know Won't Hurt Me: The house is not going to be as neat as it usually is if I'm out of commission. Since I'll be mostly bed-ridden, please create an illusion of order and cleanliness by maintaining the surrounding areas in order. I won't have enough energy to find a huge pile of dirty clothes and toys in the children's bathroom tub. Feel free to pretend everything is clean by throwing it all in there.

Set The Alarm: When I got the stomach flu, Alain took care of the boys with no complaints. He fed, diapered, bathed, entertained, and all the other "eds" on his own and let me recover. The only improvement I can suggest is that checking in on me once every three hours or so might be a good idea. You know, just in case I pass out on the floor or need water.

Bring on the Pity: My suggestion would be that Alain do everything under his power to bring up feelings of pity and sympathy for him. The poor dad taking care of the boys and a sick wife all by himself is a good case to make. Strategically sharing the news with our friends and family will bring all kinds of babysitting, cooking and cleaning support.

Where was Alain when Luca sat on me while I recovered from foot surgery?

Why, taking the picture, of course!

Anything you would like to suggest for making mom's life during sickness a little easier?

parenting and gender equality

Andre, six hours old.

I believe in gender equality when it comes to parenting. When I talk about gender equality, I don't mean that the roles of the parents should be equal but rather that the workload should be. For some, this means that one parent stays at home and cares for the children while the other works outside of the home. For Alain and I, it means that we both work outside of the home and share the child rearing responsibilities.

When I met Alain I "screened" him for his equal partner potential. Did he believe in equal child rearing responsibilities? Did he support the idea of both parents working outside of the home? He passed with flying colors and we were married three years after we met.

To my surprise, perhaps I was naive?, parenting equality was different from what I expected straight from the beginning. The day I became pregnant was the day I became a mom. Prenatal vitamins, a healthier diet, adapted exercise routine and regular checkups became my parental responsibilities.Nausea, dizzines, fatigue, weight gain, and all sorts of body changes became my companions. During the nine months of pregnancy, we both prepared the house for a newborn, adjusted our finances and took prenatal classes. But Alain became a dad nine months later than I did.

Even after Luca was born, the disparity was apparent. I was away from my job for six weeks, neglecting clients and important projects no matter how supportive and helpful my boss and coworkers were. I was also recovering physically from pregnancy and birth, experiencing back pain, breast pain, headaches and overall changes. My choice to breastfeed also meant that I alone was responsible for nourishing our child, which translated into either being in close proximity to the baby or to a pump at all times. 

Alain during that time was an outstanding father and partner. Supportive, helpful, loving. But no matter how hard he tried, he could not take on my load. I am female and the physical role of having a child is not the same as the father's. I know this may sound obvious, but I did not quite understand it until I experienced it. I was better prepared for Andre. I knew what to expect, and I knew it would eventually end.

Would I trade spaces with Alain? Not in a million years. I'd rather have extra responsibilities during the first year than miss out on the miracle of pregnancy, birth and breastfeeding. Would you trade with your children's father?

daddy time

Photography by Tande, Di-lanatta's Photography

Often, when Alain and I are doing an activity with Luca and Andre during the day, I look around and realize that he is the only dad among a sea of moms.  It happens at Gymboree classes, at the weekly library reading for children, at preschool events, at the pediatrician…

The fact that he’s a lone dad does not seem to cross his mind. He’s just happy doing the dad thing, enjoying the moment. But it makes a big impact on me. I think about how lucky I am to have such an involved partner in rearing our children and I also think about what his presence is teaching our sons. I hope they will grow up to be as great as their dad is.

For those moms out there who wish a little more involvement from the male side of the parent set, I have heard that these two tips are of most value:

Be appreciative - when he does something with or for the children, recognize it and thank him for it. This is not a time to dwell on how it is about time he helped, but rather appreciate the moment.

 Don’t butt in- this one might be hard to do but, if you see him changing a diaper don’t rush in there to tell him about how he’s doing it wrong. Just let him do it. He’ll eventually get the hang of it just like you did. If there’s a leak later, don’t point it out. It’s a small price to pay for the help yet to come.

 My friend Sarah relates the story about a day when she was tired and complaining about having to give her newborn a bath when she had so many other things to do. Her husband saw her distress and offered support with the bathing. A few minutes later she peeked in to see how things were going: he was “bathing” her with wipes! Sarah bit her tongue and let him do it, then thanked him profusely. He now bathes both of their children in the morning whenever she asks, no wipes involved.