Tuesday, February 15, 2011

should i keep it a secret?


Sometimes when a friend becomes a mom, I struggle with how much I should tell her about the difficulties of being a mom. We sit through endless conversations with fellow moms where each tells a funny anecdote, a cute story, or a warming thought. The positive side of motherhood is clear and in the open.

When it comes to the challenges of being a mom, some things are acceptable to talk about: lack of sleep, lack of time, feeding schedules, exploding diapers, projectile vomiting. But what about the feelings that arise, such as feeling inadecuate, guilt over wanting some space, dissapointment when our body does not look like Heidi Klum's after she gave birth.

While I don't think it would be a good idea to overwhelm a new mom with a long narration of negative or challenging feelings, I think it may help her to know that she is not alone and that others struggle with some of the things she may be going through.

What do you share with new moms?

13 comments:

  1. I'm more of a secret keeper. I prefer to find out things on my own rather than be scared by things that may not happen. But I guess some moms may appreciate a realistic job preview!

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  2. Sometimes I feel like no matter what you tell them, they won't really understand until they're going through it!

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  3. I think that instead of telling them before they are ready it is just better to be ready to listen when they need to unload. I kind of like being the "mentor mother".

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  4. Before I have a child I want to know EVERYTHING - good or bad. But maybe that's just me.

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  5. Yeah, I'm like Making It Work Mom... I wait until they're ready to talk. I listen, and then, if I think I can help, I mention something.

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  6. I'm here from SITS! This is an interesting post for me to comment on. My daughter has Developmental Delays and we saw signs very early on. I always feel a little awkward when people ask me questions about their kids or ask my opinion. I tend to just share my story and refer them to my favorite docs/ therapists if I think they'd benefit from it.
    Great post!

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  7. I offer a piece of advice my friend gave me. 'There are times when you'll want to give you children away and that's completely normal.'

    LisaDay

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  8. I tell new moms that they already know what to do. Why discourage or frighten someone?

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  9. I like to tell each mom that God knew exactly what he was doing when he made her a mom. She has everything she needs to do what's right and good. She can always trust him to help her out in confusion and uncertainty. But he didn't make a mistake. She is the right mom for her kids. :)

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  10. It is funny how we sometimes don't talk about how hard motherhood can be....like it would make us a bad mother or something. One of the hardest times (and most amazing times) is when you have a newborn but we always tell first time pregnant mothers how great motherhood is and how amazing it is to have a newborn while skipping all the tough stuff like losing a huge amount of sleep, how hard it can be to breastfeed etc. It is almost mother natures way because we wouldn't want to scare anyone...they need to go into motherhood full force!! Sometimes this is hard, though, because when a new mom does have struggles they often don't know who to talk to because they feel like they are the only one dealing with it. Great post!!

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  11. I usually tell them (if they ask) that life will never be the same once the baby arrives...It get's both good and lovely and also downright and hard.

    However, if you choose to focus on the good - and try to find someone to share your journey or even better try to laugh at the hard stuff once in a while, it's a lot easier to get through.

    ~h

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  12. I don't think you pay much attention to the bad stories before bub arrives. You live in the bubble of "that will never happen with my kids". I think you should give support after bub arrives by telling the odd bad story (I remember feeling...) and giving the new Mum a chance to open up if she is going through a crappy stage. I guess that is the Mother Mentor role mentioned by another commenter.

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